I have become more and more confused about why I belong to Facebook. I can be pretty arrogant and obnoxious, but at least I'm not an illiterate fucking retard. Seriously, if you want to discuss topics, the least you could do is read some goddamn books.
Join a book club. Go to school. Use the fucking internet. I'm continually fascinated at how much time I waste talking to dipshits about politics, religion, and social issues when it is clear they have no ground on which to stand.
Yes, I've read some Karl Marx. That's how I can tell you that Obama is not a socialist. And then you make fun of me for it? And you're raising kids? Someone should have stepped on the eggs.
The more I encounter the general population, the more I realize that having less of a conscience means I could be rich like Limblob or Hannity. And if you're the kind of idiot that watches that shit and thinks you're getting anything but a cock full of propaganda shoved in your ass, there is no hope for you...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Some Whore Stole My P-Coat...
So, a few years back I used to bartend at a very busy and popular restaurant in the Conejo. And because of this, I ran into all kinds of desperate and shady whores looking for dong, money, or a free dinner. One whore in particular was a hairdresser at the shitty salon in the mall and used to come in weekly and get all flirty trying to get free drinks.
Sorry, I don't fall for that shit you dumb whore. It would be one thing if I looked then like I do now, but I was thin and fairly good-looking back then. Not great, but maybe like a 7. So, I had my fair share of female attention and didn't get all moist when some hair-cutting bitch came on to me for a freebie.
Anyway, she ends up leaving that salon so I don't see her for a year or so. One night I'm on the patio at Fridays and she's out there smoking with some dreary old looking hag. I mean beat the fuck up with the kind of face that would make a train take a dirt road. So, she asks if I remember her and I say yes. She was hot by the way. A SOLID 9 (would have been a 10 but I knew she had a kid and had to deduct for possible stretch marks and blown out vagina). Giant tits. Blue eyes. I think blue but I'm not sure. Huge tits. And dark hair. Three of my favorite things. So, she tells me to call her sometime and writes her number down my forearm in eyeliner. Fucking classy...
So, my buddy is moving out of my house and down to San Diego the next day and wants me stop and grab some beers on my way home. Well, who do I run into at the 7-11 but this bitch and her friend Medusa. Oh! Heidi. That's her name...
So, they ask if they can follow me home and I figure Jim can fuck the old skank as a going away gift. We show up and he just shakes his head. We go through a 12 pack and two bottles of wine and we're pretty shitty. So, obviously these whores can't drive so I reluctantly tell them they can sleep over. Sasquatch can sleep on the couch and me and Heidi can go upstairs. The Heidi bitch starts to to freak out and says no. So, I tell them they can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch. Who says chivalry is dead?
Anyway, they decide to share the couch and the hot one takes my P-Coat as a blanket and the ugly one took an afghan or something but I didn't give a fuck because I was obviously gonna have to throw that out the next day anyway. By now it's 4 AM and I go upstairs, take a shower, and crawl into bed. After all, I have to get up at 9 AM and get Jim all packed up and help him move to San Diego.
When I get into bed, there's someone there. I get briefly excited but you know what's coming. It's the nasty one of course. I'm fucked up. She's offering a blow job. How do you say no? So, I let her do it. From my recollection, I think I passed out because I don't remember finishing, and I don't remember her leaving. But, I do know that when I got downstairs to make coffee, my fucking $300 coat is not on the chair. That fucking bitch stole my coat.
We pack Jim up and we start the moving process. We party in S.D. the next couple of days and when I get home, I call Heidi to get my coat. She tells me she will bring it by the restaurant. A week goes by. I call again. She says to come by her new salon to get it but she doesn't have it with her. I call the next day and she says she forgot it at home. We play this game for the next two weeks. Finally, she tells me she lost it. I ask,
"Is it because your skanky friend tried to suck me off that night?"
"No. I told her to go do it to see if you had a big dick or not", says the coat-stealing whore.
Out of curiosity I ask, "And what's the verdict?"
"Just okay but looks like it could do the job", says hairdresser with obviously blown out hole. I mean, really, you'd have to have 12" just to make a bitch like that happy and I didn't really feel like working twice as hard...
"Well, then how the fuck did you lose my coat out of nowhere when you were supposed to have it with you every day for the last two weeks?"
"Um...I lost it at the La Brea Tar Pits. It fell in", says the whore.
"Cool. Just send me a check for $300 and we'll call it even", I say.
In typical worthless cunty fashion, she tells me to fuck off and to stop calling her. I am dumbfounded. I get that she might be pissed I let her friend suck my dick, but that's no excuse for stealing my coat.
So, rather than make a big stink, I spend the next few months asking every person I know to make appointments (and then not show up, of course) with her at the salon she worked at. I have no idea what that cost her, but getting even with that bitch made me feel bizarrely good. Although getting the image of that hideous thing garggling on my dong will haunt me forever...
Sorry, I don't fall for that shit you dumb whore. It would be one thing if I looked then like I do now, but I was thin and fairly good-looking back then. Not great, but maybe like a 7. So, I had my fair share of female attention and didn't get all moist when some hair-cutting bitch came on to me for a freebie.
Anyway, she ends up leaving that salon so I don't see her for a year or so. One night I'm on the patio at Fridays and she's out there smoking with some dreary old looking hag. I mean beat the fuck up with the kind of face that would make a train take a dirt road. So, she asks if I remember her and I say yes. She was hot by the way. A SOLID 9 (would have been a 10 but I knew she had a kid and had to deduct for possible stretch marks and blown out vagina). Giant tits. Blue eyes. I think blue but I'm not sure. Huge tits. And dark hair. Three of my favorite things. So, she tells me to call her sometime and writes her number down my forearm in eyeliner. Fucking classy...
So, my buddy is moving out of my house and down to San Diego the next day and wants me stop and grab some beers on my way home. Well, who do I run into at the 7-11 but this bitch and her friend Medusa. Oh! Heidi. That's her name...
So, they ask if they can follow me home and I figure Jim can fuck the old skank as a going away gift. We show up and he just shakes his head. We go through a 12 pack and two bottles of wine and we're pretty shitty. So, obviously these whores can't drive so I reluctantly tell them they can sleep over. Sasquatch can sleep on the couch and me and Heidi can go upstairs. The Heidi bitch starts to to freak out and says no. So, I tell them they can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch. Who says chivalry is dead?
Anyway, they decide to share the couch and the hot one takes my P-Coat as a blanket and the ugly one took an afghan or something but I didn't give a fuck because I was obviously gonna have to throw that out the next day anyway. By now it's 4 AM and I go upstairs, take a shower, and crawl into bed. After all, I have to get up at 9 AM and get Jim all packed up and help him move to San Diego.
When I get into bed, there's someone there. I get briefly excited but you know what's coming. It's the nasty one of course. I'm fucked up. She's offering a blow job. How do you say no? So, I let her do it. From my recollection, I think I passed out because I don't remember finishing, and I don't remember her leaving. But, I do know that when I got downstairs to make coffee, my fucking $300 coat is not on the chair. That fucking bitch stole my coat.
We pack Jim up and we start the moving process. We party in S.D. the next couple of days and when I get home, I call Heidi to get my coat. She tells me she will bring it by the restaurant. A week goes by. I call again. She says to come by her new salon to get it but she doesn't have it with her. I call the next day and she says she forgot it at home. We play this game for the next two weeks. Finally, she tells me she lost it. I ask,
"Is it because your skanky friend tried to suck me off that night?"
"No. I told her to go do it to see if you had a big dick or not", says the coat-stealing whore.
Out of curiosity I ask, "And what's the verdict?"
"Just okay but looks like it could do the job", says hairdresser with obviously blown out hole. I mean, really, you'd have to have 12" just to make a bitch like that happy and I didn't really feel like working twice as hard...
"Well, then how the fuck did you lose my coat out of nowhere when you were supposed to have it with you every day for the last two weeks?"
"Um...I lost it at the La Brea Tar Pits. It fell in", says the whore.
"Cool. Just send me a check for $300 and we'll call it even", I say.
In typical worthless cunty fashion, she tells me to fuck off and to stop calling her. I am dumbfounded. I get that she might be pissed I let her friend suck my dick, but that's no excuse for stealing my coat.
So, rather than make a big stink, I spend the next few months asking every person I know to make appointments (and then not show up, of course) with her at the salon she worked at. I have no idea what that cost her, but getting even with that bitch made me feel bizarrely good. Although getting the image of that hideous thing garggling on my dong will haunt me forever...
Friday, July 1, 2011
So I Shit Myself on the Golf Course...
Yesterday I'm playing golf with some buddies and on the 17th hole, I let out a glorious blast from the fart tank. It was impressive. It was the kind that, given some time, could be easily used as inspiration for Beethoven-type symphonies. I digress...
So, I get to the 18th tee and feel another crowd-pleaser on deck and give it a solid push. And that's when glory turned immediately into shame. I completely shit myself. Not horrifically like it was running down my legs or anything, but enough to make me do an R2D2 kind of walk over to the bushes and check out the damage.
Fuck! It's bad enough that the underwear is the first casualty. I wear little foot socks so that option is out. All I have is the towel hanging off my bag. So I do a Frankenstein over to the bag, grab the towel, and Frankenstein back o the bushes...
This is the towel that I use to clean mud and shit off my clubs. It hasn't been washed in months. So, it's covered with...you guessed it...hardened mud. So, I get to clean my most delicate area with a crusty, scratchy fucking towel. I swear it felt like the one I got stuck with at the Motel 6 I was forced to stay at last year. I wonder if those are old golf towels?
Anyway, I cleaned up, bogeyed the hole, (I shot an 83 just in case you needed to know) had a couple of beers with the guys, then went straight to the grocery store and bought a travel bag of fucking baby wipes because I know this wasn't an isolated incident...
So, I get to the 18th tee and feel another crowd-pleaser on deck and give it a solid push. And that's when glory turned immediately into shame. I completely shit myself. Not horrifically like it was running down my legs or anything, but enough to make me do an R2D2 kind of walk over to the bushes and check out the damage.
Fuck! It's bad enough that the underwear is the first casualty. I wear little foot socks so that option is out. All I have is the towel hanging off my bag. So I do a Frankenstein over to the bag, grab the towel, and Frankenstein back o the bushes...
This is the towel that I use to clean mud and shit off my clubs. It hasn't been washed in months. So, it's covered with...you guessed it...hardened mud. So, I get to clean my most delicate area with a crusty, scratchy fucking towel. I swear it felt like the one I got stuck with at the Motel 6 I was forced to stay at last year. I wonder if those are old golf towels?
Anyway, I cleaned up, bogeyed the hole, (I shot an 83 just in case you needed to know) had a couple of beers with the guys, then went straight to the grocery store and bought a travel bag of fucking baby wipes because I know this wasn't an isolated incident...
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Our Political Future is Fucked...
The mere that Michelle Bachmann is even mentioned as a serious contender in 2012 is all the evidence you need that people are stupid and our political system has hit rock bottom. There are a few million people who think she can win and are actually supporting her.
This is the kind of cunt who says that Washington is full of corrupt politicians and it's a horrible place, yet wants to be president and spend even MORE time there. Are you idiots fucking blind? She has blasted government waste yet has a stake in her father in law's farm that receives subsidies from the same government and people don't seem to care.
She thinks John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father. Just look it up.
She has said that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery.
She is all that is wrong with our political system because people actually say, "Well, she's better than Obama". Is she? You think Obama is an embarrassment to America? Put that bitch in the White House and see what happens.
As soon as you start playing the "lesser of two evils" game, we are fucked. And if you continue to vote for someone based on how bad the current guy is, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Read a book. Join a fucking book club if you need help. But please, don't vote if you're too lazy and stupid to know who, what, and why you are voting...
This is the kind of cunt who says that Washington is full of corrupt politicians and it's a horrible place, yet wants to be president and spend even MORE time there. Are you idiots fucking blind? She has blasted government waste yet has a stake in her father in law's farm that receives subsidies from the same government and people don't seem to care.
She thinks John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father. Just look it up.
She has said that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery.
She is all that is wrong with our political system because people actually say, "Well, she's better than Obama". Is she? You think Obama is an embarrassment to America? Put that bitch in the White House and see what happens.
As soon as you start playing the "lesser of two evils" game, we are fucked. And if you continue to vote for someone based on how bad the current guy is, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Read a book. Join a fucking book club if you need help. But please, don't vote if you're too lazy and stupid to know who, what, and why you are voting...
Monday, June 27, 2011
Graduation Etiquette...
So, I think I just finished up with graduation season. I went to four this year. And all were awesome. I do tend to notice, however, that my theories on the general stupidity and lack of courtesy amongst the masses tends to prove correct when I attend these functions.
Rule #1. Your fucking kid isn't the only graduate. I know you're excited that he is the first one in the family to finish high school, but you need to think about a few things. DO NOT stand up and video the WHOLE FUCKING thing from your seat. The person behind your fat ass may have the kid following yours and might need to do the same thing.
Maybe you should get there early and stake out a good place where your pile of balloons, family that talks during the commencement, and your exit RIGHT AFTER your kid walks across the stage will cause the least amount of frustration for EVERY SINGLE other parent who is just as excited.
I was thinking about more rules, but it seems futile. The people who need to see this won't. The people who take an extra seat on either side of them for their purse, flowers, or whatever other useless shit they decided to bring are not going EVER get it.
What happened to common courtesy? What happened to not thinking that the world revolves around you? Did your fat ass cure cancer? Have you done anything special ever in your life to warrant such behavior? The answer you are looking for is no. We are all stuck here together so maybe what would make this shit more bearable is a little following of the Golden Rule.
Then again, if people started getting all nice and shit, I'd have nothing to bitch about. Until then, fuck these people and I patiently await for some kind of incurable mutation of the Swine Flu to thin this overpopulated herd...
Rule #1. Your fucking kid isn't the only graduate. I know you're excited that he is the first one in the family to finish high school, but you need to think about a few things. DO NOT stand up and video the WHOLE FUCKING thing from your seat. The person behind your fat ass may have the kid following yours and might need to do the same thing.
Maybe you should get there early and stake out a good place where your pile of balloons, family that talks during the commencement, and your exit RIGHT AFTER your kid walks across the stage will cause the least amount of frustration for EVERY SINGLE other parent who is just as excited.
I was thinking about more rules, but it seems futile. The people who need to see this won't. The people who take an extra seat on either side of them for their purse, flowers, or whatever other useless shit they decided to bring are not going EVER get it.
What happened to common courtesy? What happened to not thinking that the world revolves around you? Did your fat ass cure cancer? Have you done anything special ever in your life to warrant such behavior? The answer you are looking for is no. We are all stuck here together so maybe what would make this shit more bearable is a little following of the Golden Rule.
Then again, if people started getting all nice and shit, I'd have nothing to bitch about. Until then, fuck these people and I patiently await for some kind of incurable mutation of the Swine Flu to thin this overpopulated herd...
Friday, June 24, 2011
Put A Shirt On Please...
I get completely confused by the 40 year old guy jogging without a shirt...in public...on a busy street...during rush hour. I'm no prize but you really need to consider how much you ruin my day by jogging down a busy public street in your fucking Rocky gear all shirtless, pasty, and sweaty with your dick-cheesey tribal arm band everyone else got in 1992. Seriously, you look like 400 lbs. of gummy bears got shoved down your throat and then decided to jiggle down the road during peak traffic.
Look, I like it that you want to jog and exercise to get in shape, but can't you do it with your shirt on? I have not yet accepted that obese is aesthetically pleasing. And I'm a fat ass and see it in the mirror every day. I just really have no desire to see that after a hard day at work.
On the optimistic side, at least looking at that guy on my way home yesterday kept me from shoving more than three pieces of pizza into my head last night...
Look, I like it that you want to jog and exercise to get in shape, but can't you do it with your shirt on? I have not yet accepted that obese is aesthetically pleasing. And I'm a fat ass and see it in the mirror every day. I just really have no desire to see that after a hard day at work.
On the optimistic side, at least looking at that guy on my way home yesterday kept me from shoving more than three pieces of pizza into my head last night...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I Think I Know Why...
So, I was driving home yesterday and there was some asshole in the middle lane going 50 MPH and causing a nice bit of traffic. I noticed it was a "driving school" car so I figured it was just some dumb ass student driver learning so I somehow felt less angry.
Then, I pulled up next to the car to confirm my assumptions and it was an Asian lady driving by herself.
"The instructor?", I said to myself out loud.
What the fuck. If this bitch is teaching people how to drive and this is how she does it herself, it makes sense that people in this town can't drive for shit. My racism forces me to assume that the people who own this school are Asian because nobody in their right fucking mind would hire one to teach people how to drive...I'm pretty sure that defies about 16 laws of Physics...
Then, I pulled up next to the car to confirm my assumptions and it was an Asian lady driving by herself.
"The instructor?", I said to myself out loud.
What the fuck. If this bitch is teaching people how to drive and this is how she does it herself, it makes sense that people in this town can't drive for shit. My racism forces me to assume that the people who own this school are Asian because nobody in their right fucking mind would hire one to teach people how to drive...I'm pretty sure that defies about 16 laws of Physics...
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