Some Whore Stole My P-Coat...

So, a few years back I used to bartend at a very busy and popular restaurant in the Conejo. And because of this, I ran into all kinds of desperate and shady whores looking for dong, money, or a free dinner. One whore in particular was a hairdresser at the shitty salon in the mall and used to come in weekly and get all flirty trying to get free drinks.

Sorry, I don't fall for that shit you dumb whore. It would be one thing if I looked then like I do now, but I was thin and fairly good-looking back then. Not great, but maybe like a 7. So, I had my fair share of female attention and didn't get all moist when some hair-cutting bitch came on to me for a freebie.

Anyway, she ends up leaving that salon so I don't see her for a year or so. One night I'm on the patio at Fridays and she's out there smoking with some dreary old looking hag. I mean beat the fuck up with the kind of face that would make a train take a dirt road. So, she asks if I remember her and I say yes. She was hot by the way. A SOLID 9 (would have been a 10 but I knew she had a kid and had to deduct for possible stretch marks and blown out vagina). Giant tits. Blue eyes. I think blue but I'm not sure. Huge tits. And dark hair. Three of my favorite things. So, she tells me to call her sometime and writes her number down my forearm in eyeliner. Fucking classy...

So, my buddy is moving out of my house and down to San Diego the next day and wants me stop and grab some beers on my way home. Well, who do I run into at the 7-11 but this bitch and her friend Medusa. Oh! Heidi. That's her name...

So, they ask if they can follow me home and I figure Jim can fuck the old skank as a going away gift. We show up and he just shakes his head. We go through a 12 pack and two bottles of wine and we're pretty shitty. So, obviously these whores can't drive so I reluctantly tell them they can sleep over. Sasquatch can sleep on the couch and me and Heidi can go upstairs. The Heidi bitch starts to to freak out and says no. So, I tell them they can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch. Who says chivalry is dead?

Anyway, they decide to share the couch and the hot one takes my P-Coat as a blanket and the ugly one took an afghan or something but I didn't give a fuck because I was obviously gonna have to throw that out the next day anyway. By now it's 4 AM and I go upstairs, take a shower, and crawl into bed. After all, I have to get up at 9 AM and get Jim all packed up and help him move to San Diego.

When I get into bed, there's someone there. I get briefly excited but you know what's coming. It's the nasty one of course. I'm fucked up. She's offering a blow job. How do you say no? So, I let her do it. From my recollection, I think I passed out because I don't remember finishing, and I don't remember her leaving. But, I do know that when I got downstairs to make coffee, my fucking $300 coat is not on the chair. That fucking bitch stole my coat.

We pack Jim up and we start the moving process. We party in S.D. the next couple of days and when I get home, I call Heidi to get my coat. She tells me she will bring it by the restaurant. A week goes by. I call again. She says to come by her new salon to get it but she doesn't have it with her. I call the next day and she says she forgot it at home. We play this game for the next two weeks. Finally, she tells me she lost it. I ask,

"Is it because your skanky friend tried to suck me off that night?"

"No. I told her to go do it to see if you had a big dick or not", says the coat-stealing whore.

Out of curiosity I ask, "And what's the verdict?"

"Just okay but looks like it could do the job", says hairdresser with obviously blown out hole. I mean, really, you'd have to have 12" just to make a bitch like that happy and I didn't really feel like working twice as hard...

"Well, then how the fuck did you lose my coat out of nowhere when you were supposed to have it with you every day for the last two weeks?"

"Um...I lost it at the La Brea Tar Pits. It fell in", says the whore.

"Cool. Just send me a check for $300 and we'll call it even", I say.

In typical worthless cunty fashion, she tells me to fuck off and to stop calling her. I am dumbfounded. I get that she might be pissed I let her friend suck my dick, but that's no excuse for stealing my coat.

So, rather than make a big stink, I spend the next few months asking every person I know to make appointments (and then not show up, of course) with her at the salon she worked at. I have no idea what that cost her, but getting even with that bitch made me feel bizarrely good. Although getting the image of that hideous thing garggling on my dong will haunt me forever...

So I Shit Myself on the Golf Course...

Yesterday I'm playing golf with some buddies and on the 17th hole, I let out a glorious blast from the fart tank. It was impressive. It was the kind that, given some time, could be easily used as inspiration for Beethoven-type symphonies. I digress...

So, I get to the 18th tee and feel another crowd-pleaser on deck and give it a solid push. And that's when glory turned immediately into shame. I completely shit myself. Not horrifically like it was running down my legs or anything, but enough to make me do an R2D2 kind of walk over to the bushes and check out the damage.

Fuck! It's bad enough that the underwear is the first casualty. I wear little foot socks so that option is out. All I have is the towel hanging off my bag. So I do a Frankenstein over to the bag, grab the towel, and Frankenstein back o the bushes...

This is the towel that I use to clean mud and shit off my clubs. It hasn't been washed in months. So, it's covered with...you guessed it...hardened mud. So, I get to clean my most delicate area with a crusty, scratchy fucking towel. I swear it felt like the one I got stuck with at the Motel 6 I was forced to stay at last year. I wonder if those are old golf towels?

Anyway, I cleaned up, bogeyed the hole, (I shot an 83 just in case you needed to know) had a couple of beers with the guys, then went straight to the grocery store and bought a travel bag of fucking baby wipes because I know this wasn't an isolated incident...

Our Political Future is Fucked...

The mere that Michelle Bachmann is even mentioned as a serious contender in 2012 is all the evidence you need that people are stupid and our political system has hit rock bottom. There are a few million people who think she can win and are actually supporting her.

This is the kind of cunt who says that Washington is full of corrupt politicians and it's a horrible place, yet wants to be president and spend even MORE time there. Are you idiots fucking blind? She has blasted government waste yet has a stake in her father in law's farm that receives subsidies from the same government and people don't seem to care.

She thinks John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father. Just look it up.

She has said that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery.

She is all that is wrong with our political system because people actually say, "Well, she's better than Obama". Is she? You think Obama is an embarrassment to America? Put that bitch in the White House and see what happens.

As soon as you start playing the "lesser of two evils" game, we are fucked. And if you continue to vote for someone based on how bad the current guy is, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Read a book. Join a fucking book club if you need help. But please, don't vote if you're too lazy and stupid to know who, what, and why you are voting...

Graduation Etiquette...

So, I think I just finished up with graduation season. I went to four this year. And all were awesome. I do tend to notice, however, that my theories on the general stupidity and lack of courtesy amongst the masses tends to prove correct when I attend these functions.

Rule #1. Your fucking kid isn't the only graduate. I know you're excited that he is the first one in the family to finish high school, but you need to think about a few things. DO NOT stand up and video the WHOLE FUCKING thing from your seat. The person behind your fat ass may have the kid following yours and might need to do the same thing.

Maybe you should get there early and stake out a good place where your pile of balloons, family that talks during the commencement, and your exit RIGHT AFTER your kid walks across the stage will cause the least amount of frustration for EVERY SINGLE other parent who is just as excited.

I was thinking about more rules, but it seems futile. The people who need to see this won't. The people who take an extra seat on either side of them for their purse, flowers, or whatever other useless shit they decided to bring are not going EVER get it.

What happened to common courtesy? What happened to not thinking that the world revolves around you? Did your fat ass cure cancer? Have you done anything special ever in your life to warrant such behavior? The answer you are looking for is no. We are all stuck here together so maybe what would make this shit more bearable is a little following of the Golden Rule.

Then again, if people started getting all nice and shit, I'd have nothing to bitch about. Until then, fuck these people and I patiently await for some kind of incurable mutation of the Swine Flu to thin this overpopulated herd...

Put A Shirt On Please...

I get completely confused by the 40 year old guy jogging without a shirt...in public...on a busy street...during rush hour. I'm no prize but you really need to consider how much you ruin my day by jogging down a busy public street in your fucking Rocky gear all shirtless, pasty, and sweaty with your dick-cheesey tribal arm band everyone else got in 1992. Seriously, you look like 400 lbs. of gummy bears got shoved down your throat and then decided to jiggle down the road during peak traffic.

Look, I like it that you want to jog and exercise to get in shape, but can't you do it with your shirt on? I have not yet accepted that obese is aesthetically pleasing. And I'm a fat ass and see it in the mirror every day. I just really have no desire to see that after a hard day at work.

On the optimistic side, at least looking at that guy on my way home yesterday kept me from shoving more than three pieces of pizza into my head last night...

I Think I Know Why...

So, I was driving home yesterday and there was some asshole in the middle lane going 50 MPH and causing a nice bit of traffic. I noticed it was a "driving school" car so I figured it was just some dumb ass student driver learning so I somehow felt less angry.

Then, I pulled up next to the car to confirm my assumptions and it was an Asian lady driving by herself.

"The instructor?", I said to myself out loud.

What the fuck. If this bitch is teaching people how to drive and this is how she does it herself, it makes sense that people in this town can't drive for shit. My racism forces me to assume that the people who own this school are Asian because nobody in their right fucking mind would hire one to teach people how to drive...I'm pretty sure that defies about 16 laws of Physics...

It's Official!

I am officially done with facebook. I have "deactivated" my account which is a problem. that means your profile is still there if you choose to come back. I don't like that. I mean, does it bother anyone that everything you say and do on that thing is archived and saved forever? I'm done.

I am going to miss the super-awesome stories about your dog chasing birds and taking a nap, being at a restaurant with your kids, or checking in at a fucking airport. Really? Does your life suck that bad? Is it THAT boring. Can't you post shit about the dirtiest thing you did last weekend? You're already exposing every other personality and character flaw on that thing--I'm referring to your desperate posts to get attention, the drama queens, and your lack of education and ability to spell. So, show me your tits. That's really all anyone wants to see anyway.

With all that said, I've decided to coin a phrase for the average douchebag facebook user based on being uninteresting, unfunny, and generally annoying all while have no idea that you are a waste of skin.

It is a condition I like to call: Can't Undo Narcissistic Tendencies Yourself. That's right kids...CUNTY is the newest psychological disorder facebook forces upon you. Yes, I have a blog that's ALL about me and my thoughts, but aside from the few who know me personally, this is supposed to be significantly more anonymous and I would like to keep it that way.

This is only going to get worse...

Yes...This Is Where You Will Find Me...

So, I am again done with facebook. It's gay and I am starting to hate people more than normal so you will find me drunk and brooding here. For the people who know me personally, I need you to keep in mind that this is intended to be somewhat anonymous. That means not referring to me by name and shit. Or the girlfriend.

Also, I am going to be saying some pretty offensive things so please keep in mind that nothing is directed at you personally--unless you're a self-absorbed asshole and think the world (and this shitty blog) revolves around you. It does not. So if talking about skanks, fags, retards, fucking Asian drivers, modelling your 5 year old daughter to prepare her for the world of gold-digging whoredom, your fake religion, or ignorant idea of politics bothers you, please refrain from thinking it's personal. And if you must comment, say what you want but keep in mind that I will not be deleting anything and I encourage a somewhat cordial exchange.

Shit's about to get real. Or whatever the fuck that means.

Time Warner Sucks...

So, I have been forced to be a Time Warner customer for about 7 years now and i have to say it is the worst piece of shit cable service the world may ever know.

Their DVR's last about a year before they stop working. and that means you have to not only re-program them every time you get a new one, but you lose all the shit you haven't watched up until that point. And, they charge $15 per month for the privilege to use their shitty equipment.

You can never talk to anyone who actually has the ability to get shit done. They have accidentally shut my service down twice because their techs got the wrong address. And, both times, it took them 3 days to get back out to fix it.

And the channel lineup is all over the fucking place. At channel 83 they go into repeat mode and then new channels start all the way at 123. What kind of chimp made that decision?

I am not sure what kind of idiots are running the show over there, but I want to be an executive too since there appears to be little in the way of work you actually have to do there.

They don't carry the NFL Network. They made FuelTV a subscription service that also includes the Asian Channel. Why the fuck would I want the Asian channel? I can get that shit for free on internet AND that usually involves petite women going ATM.

And, I get all this shitty service for $125 per month.

Seriously, if anyone from Time Warner reads this I would love to chat about it. Except for the Asian stuff. I've already come to terms with that and it was messy...

Maybe I'm Just an Asshole...

So, I keep hearing all of my overtly Christian friends say that we have to protect and defend Israel. I get the homeland thing and the process is a fucking mess but I am curious about how a Christian defends this activity...

If you believe the Bible, then it would appear that the Jews rejected your god, Jesus. Isn't that an eternal sin? And how can you support people who denied your god? How is that possible?

Doing This Again...

Ok...here's the deal. I am really leaving Facebook this time. I am tired of arguing with dipshits and I may even turn off the comments on this thing to prevent more fucking idiots from saying the dumb things that they can't help themselves from saying on Facebook.

So, for now I will leave them up but that could change. I plan of doing the same thing here only I like that I can spew for a lot longer.

I will still get drunk. I will still say things I probably shouldn't, but there will be more open debating here without worrying about which whiny little bitch I am offending this week...

And you can still suck it...

The Party of Family Values Strikes Again...

So, it looks like another member of the Republican Party got caught cheating on his wife and kids. Awesome work. Are you going to tell me that the sanctity of marriage is under threat by gay people who actually want to get married and spend the rest of their lives together? And this guy is saying that marriage should be protected because that is his "party line"? You have got to be kidding me...

This is PRECISELY why I believe that marriage is between two people and that politicizing it is horseshit. This guy ruins the argument for Republicans who pretend for a second that this isn't a religious issue. Which, by the way, should have ZERO bearing on our laws regarding gay marriage...


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41498568/ns/politics-capitol_hill/?GT1=43001

Creepy Stalker Alert

One Time Only...

So, I recently had a very traumatic discussion with some idiots over Glenn Beck. Don't ask why. Just read...

I love and hate Glenn Beck. I hate him because he is a liar and misrepresents history worse than anyone I have ever seen. I love him because I always wanted to know what it would be like to have no fucking soul or conscience. And, I was always curious how far one might be willing to go to make millions. He is the answer. Sort of like Allen Iverson, only Iverson had talent and didn't blow station managers for radio gigs on his way up the ladder...

The problem I have with most people who love shitheads like Beck are that they happen to be grossly uneducated. If you haven't taken a history class past the 11th grade or ever bothered to study or read on the subject until recently, and find yourself now thinking you are an expert in the field. Let me help you with one. YOU ARE NOT.

You can't read two books by David Barton and claim expertise. It doesn't work that way. Even a carpenter has to swing a hammer so many times before he gets promoted.

Even when asked how much research and homework his fans have done, there was never an answer. They can't answer because they don't know what the fuck they are talking about. And when someone tells you that there are certain rules of engagement when debating a topic, that doesn't make me a fancy liberal elitist because I went to college and learned how to do shit other than lay on my back and blow humans out of my vag. But hey, thanks for folding my clothes and making that sandwich.

What I'm saying is that you learn things like how to validate talking points. You learn how to propose a theory and then back it up with facts. You counter based on acquired knowledge. People are somehow making fun of those who went to college as if it was a bad thing. Nevermind that those Founding Fathers you love to band about so much were HIGHLY educated individuals. Many of whom you would be talking shit about today while you mop my floor. By the way, I went to CSUN so that is not exactly what I might call a resume builder...

Seriously, I asked one of them where they would send their child to prepare them for the real world; Glenn Beck University or UCLA? You can imagine what the answers were. The bottom line is that if you watch Glenn Beck and don't think he's full of shit and lying to you then you are either hopelessly stupid and should have your reproductive rights revoked or, well, there really is no or. You're just an idiot.

And if that makes me a jerk then I really don't give a shit. It's not my fault that your God made me smarter than you. Blame him. I am not at saying I am better than you because I went to college. I'm saying that I have a different skill set that lends itself to discussing such things and then teaching your dumbass future zeroes what happened, when, and the different ways we have been affected by it.

If that makes me an elitist then so be it. But at least I know how to think for myself and the highlight of my life will be something other than being fed some alcoholic Mormon's dick everyday for the rest of my sad life...

Facebook can suck it...

So, I have decided that facebook blows and that the only way I can have a real blog is to move it to a real site. Without hosting it myself, this is as close as I can get.

I am done with facebook since I am having a hard time watching my "friends" say so many stupid things and find myself continually looking like a bigger asshole by correcting them.

I am tired of weirdo stalkers and being limited to the rules of facebook.

So, I am starting new over here in hopes that people will be interested in engaging in some form of intelligent debate. If you say something stupid, I will let you know. I will also try to be honest in this endeavor and you are free to call bullshit. But, don't cry when I give it back. And don't tell me my language is offensive and hurts your little baby ears. We are all adults and if you don't like what I have to say then you can get yourself fucked.

I tend to drink more than I should but I am not inviting your intervention. If you feel like you need to save someone, go save a fucking starving kid--in America, not Africa or China.

This will mostly be about my opinion and how I am usually right and everyone else is always wrong. If you don't like what you see, please tell so I can make fun of you.

Enjoy...